Five steps forward

We all get the pleasure of forming relationships in our lives. The ones we get the most practice to continually progress and learn are the most intimate ones to us. We will have experiences with our families when we are young. We pick up whatever habits and coping skills there and carry them into recesses in grade school with classmates, through the youthful years with besties and romantic relationships, then into our eventual marriages. Are we fully equipped to deal with someone else who has had a completely different personally developed path of habits and coping skills themselves? No way! These are growing experiences for all! Aren’t we lucky?! Hey, you signed up for it because you’re here on Earth. If you don’t understand that we can talk later…

                Dr. Gottman says, “Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with.” What the heck!? How do we cope with problems? I don’t want em’, who does? Guess what? You’re bound to have a handful in your life and if you haven’t had any, you will have some doozies when you get married!

                This week I got some great insights on problem-solving in relationships, specifically in marriages but these jewels by golly can be used in all our intimate relationships in life! Gottman says that conflicts will be in relationships forever. They fall into two categories; either they can be resolved or perpetual. Perpetual problems are the majority of marital conflicts. They are things in your relationships that may involve deep emotional wounds and feelings that if not communicated openly with your partner for resolve may lead to gridlock. Gridlock keeps couples spinning in unresolved conflicts and may increase hurt, pain, frustration, distrust, or even a full-blown mouth shut, hands and knees crossed sitting on the floor “I am not playing anymore” disengagements.

                Not all perpetual problems result in this kind of shut down. Healthy, emotionally, intelligent couples strive to use coping strategies to deal with their problems and don’t allow them to break their relationships. They work on being accepting of their partner’s so-called inadequacies and communicate effectively by solving issues that arise because of their differences. These strategies given by Dr. Gottman are in a five-part model that can help resolve conflict in couples seeking a loving relationship.

                The first step is to soften your startup. No one I know will have a sit-down, heart to heart with anyone when they are feeling attacked. The most important quality of a good startup is to avoid the four deadly horsemen. What is that? Let’s hold ourselves accountable people! Ok, raise your right hand and repeat after me, “I solemnly pledge to no criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling as I go in to address this issue with my spouse, so help me God.” What!? I am serious. We need His help! This stuff is hardddd! Dr. Gottman, another relationship genius said, “We should offer our best efforts in our marriages. When we have unmet needs, we can humbly invite our partner to help us.” If we’re going to resolve an issue here, let’s be kind. He goes onto say, “…we can ask God to increase our capacity to give more to our marriage.” How encouraging is that to have more support? Love it!

                The second step is to learn to make and receive repair attempts. Gottman says this is the secret to damage control. You don’t have to wait for your marriage to improve to make repair attempts. Some examples of repair attempts are, “I might be wrong here, Let’s take a break, I am sorry I was a knucklehead, I will try harder to listen to you before I bite your head off next time.” Repair attempts go both ways, receiving and giving.

                The third step in the model is sooth yourself and each other. Have conversations with your spouse on what makes you or them feel flooded (overwhelmed) in conflicts. Share emotions. What would help you feel better? How you can help them feel better? Or whoever waves the white flag first is a truce to go to your corners, take a few deep breaths, get your heart rate down, and come to a place of calm to increase positivity in your relationship; not continue in the opposite.

                Compromise is the fourth step. Guess what? This is the only way to solve marital problems. And the only way to come to this is if the first 3 steps have been accomplished first. Gottman said, “Compromise is not about one person changing.” Let me repeat that for emphasis, “Compromise is not about one person changing.  It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other.” The cornerstone to compromise is accepting influence. This is a two-way deal. This is teamwork!

                Lastly processing any grievances so that they don’t linger in order to validate and understand each other’s perception of how the issues were handled is the fifth step. Taking turns listening to each other’s views without interruption, sharing feelings and what you need, sharing possible triggers, acknowledging your role in what happened and looking ahead with constructive plans to move forward in your relationship are all key in accomplishing re-connection and lasting trust.

                Who doesn’t want to find happiness with our favorite people? Using these steps of communication will resolving issues to many of the difficult situations that we face in our relationships. These are habits and manners we already show acquaintances, why wouldn’t our most treasured relationships be any less deserving of our respect and love?

LO9

Beware Ahead

President Ezra Taft Benson says that pride is a universal sin. This is one of those thistles and thorn perks Adam and Eve were told we would gain in mortality.  Oh boy… if you’re married or have been you know first hand about this pride thing. Mostly we see it in the ones we love or used to in my case. I have an ex. Yes, I am one of those…

                I read this whole chapter in Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work on a principle about “Letting your partner influence you”. He talks about how great relationships would be if men would just allow their wives to influence them, allow equality in their marriages, honor and respect their wives and acknowledge her feelings. (Who was jumping on her bed fists raised to the air praising Jesus?) Gottman said women already are open to all these things with their husbands and there is no doubt that women have plenty to teach their husbands about friendships (I seriously love this guy). Although he was targeting men he made it very clear both husbands and wives need to be accountable for their dealings.

                I then opened a chapter in another book by H. Wallace Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage called “Humility and Repentance”. In this chapter the reader is taught about principles of humility and repentance and that the opposite of it is an enemy to God (PRIDE). That the natural mind is an enemy to truth. Someone can walk around only “seeing” their version of the truth and imagines no one else can see it as clearly as they do. This mindset is an enemy to God, keeps us from connecting with others and from being taught by God. Sneaky Satan.

                After pulling all this info into my brain I get to the end of the chapter to the postscript, “If, as you read this chapter, you found yourself thinking how much your (ex) partner needs it, I encourage you to re-read the chapter with yourself in mind instead.” DANG IT!!!! There you go people, you just experienced pride in Ashlie first hand. Guess who got to hang her head and go back and re-read these chapters? Sneaky Satan.

                Here is what I now “saw” in me…President Benson said, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves…Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all the matters- self- conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, self- seeking.”

                What’s the antidote for my pride? Here’s what else I found (Using the scripture skill of substitution) “And now Ashlie, I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; temperate in all things; diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times.” Thank you for the reminder, Alma. (I love this guy).

                Oh my goodness. Marriage is hard. Being divorced and the dealings of an ex-spouse are hard. Being an ex-spouse is hard! My fingers pointed at those who have offended and irritate me is an invitation for MY repentance! My irritation is my own lack of faith and humility in seeing how far God has carried me through and will continue to carry me. Dropping all the hate and hurt is the only way I can heal and drop all Pride that suffocates me. This is it! I get it! Pride is something I need to be aware of at all times. 

                Alma continues to teach me, “Ashlie, see that you have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works” (Alma 7:24) That is the girl I want to be.

                Do we even realize how much the Lord loves us? How much He wants to see us happy? To pull away from Pride?  We have the power to set our own lives right in our marriages and in all our relationships. How beautiful is that we have a Savior that will allow us to hand over our sword. He will take our balled fists in His soft scared hands and hold us in His tender embrace. I want this. I WILL do this!

LO8

Walking Uprightly

 “Our choices in partners are not just random events in our lives.”

“In ways not discerned by us, God guided us to be together.”

“We trust that God brought us together for good reason.”

These are some of the quotes from my studies this week on marriage specifically in regards to our spouses as found in Drawing Heaven into your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D.

Huhh…I won’t lie, I have wondered through my past difficult marriage if views like Goddard expressed could even be true. Goddard also quoted some opposing opinions:

“This marriage is a punishment for my youthful impulsiveness”

“My life would have been so much better if I had just chosen differently”

Are these messages from the adversary? Certainly. He wants us to feel discouraged, shamed and to despise the idea of marriage which is a blessing from God. Family unity is essential to God’s plan of Happiness. He doesn’t want families to succeed and will use whatever he can do dissolve it.

Marriage, is it worth saving? Even when it gets hard? “The solution to marital stress is not divorce, it’s repentance”, says Goddard. “It is in simple integrity that leads a man/woman to square up their shoulders and meet his or her obligations. It is found in the golden rule.” I couldn’t agree more. We’re human, we all struggle with that sometimes. I am sure we could all improve. Marriage certainly offers the practice.

Goddard mentions a man he once counseled who appeared to have been working on his own marriage. This man came to him pleading, “Can I quit this marriage yet?” (if you’re asking a question like that you have certainly tried so very hard to save your marriage). This man’s wife had turned her back on him and on the church. There didn’t appear to be any way he could save their marriage. Goddard’s answer to this man was, that when we understand covenants, we do everything we are able. We don’t pull the plug. This man returned to his relationship. His wife continued her path and eventually, their marriage ended. He didn’t pull the plug, did he? He did all he could do, and because of that he had given his best and hadn’t abandoned the covenants he made with God. I think this man could take comfort for his present and future situation in the scripture Doctrine and Covenants 90:24. It says, “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.” 

So, think about this…what if God gives us our experiences in marriage and makes them ideally suited to bless and balance us individually for how He wants us to grow? Do you think God wanted that man Dr. Goddard counseled to have his marriage last? Certainly, He did.  He gives all His children agency; the option to freely choose. Sometimes loved ones don’t follow golden rules. But you know what God gave us? Opportunities in marriage to better ourselves. We learn patience, how to manage anger and fears, to show and give love, to forgive, and sacrifice every day in marriages. These are all qualities we need to understand and feel in order to become like God. We get to choose how we do this and how much we want to learn. He will not force anyone to get it. We are accountable for our own learning and in God's timing, He can give us something more, even a stronger relationship with our spouse and certainly one with ourselves. 

The perspective of my own experience in marriage has influenced my perception of who God wants or wanted me to become. I am still being balanced. God knows better than me what I need. I have faith in his plan for me. I feel so thankful that even through my own experiences, I didn’t allow them to break me. It’s a conscious choice every day to feel that way. But you can't go it alone... it’s having faith in Jesus Christ and applying his Atonement that saves us.

L07

Love Maps

Henry B. Eyring said it best in that, “the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships” [Our Perfect Example Ensign, Nov. 2009]. This is found especially in marital relationships. We came to earth to be challenged and to learn. Marriage is definitely a major crash course on that! We will gain a lot of experiences that help us grow in good and bad ways. Ok, so we are here…we get to pair up and marry the one we choose. Umm ok, so… is someone gonna give us an instruction manual or tell us how to do this right? The thing is, people are all so different and come from so many backgrounds that it is inevitable that in pairing two people you're guaranteed some challenges, even in the best of marriages!
Have you ever heard of a Love Map? In John M. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work talks about it. I guess you could call it a tool to help couples keep and stay connected by being intimately familiar with each other’s world. This map is actually information that you are continually gathering and storing in your brain about your spouse. You use it to love them with! I love the concept, cause I get it! (I will tell ya why it in a bit). Ok… can you imagine having a craving and sending your spouse out to get you a treat and they come home with your favorite without even telling them what it is? Whaaa? “Ahhhh, he loves me!”

Without a Love Map, you can’t really know your spouse. Sure, you can have great chemistry, get married and what? Let your relationship fade away? No! Here’s where you whip out this map…secret? Nah. Let me tell ya...did you know that over time you can get to know your spouse? Like know them, know them? Like bestestes frands, I love you foreves into eternity know them? I love you even when you annoy the crap out of me sometimes love them?  If you want a happy fulfilling relationship watch your spouse. Pay attention. Listen to them. Talk to them!  Ask them questions about their day. Really get in there and dig deep in to their business (in a loving non-stalky way of course). Staying connected and always try hard to get to know each other by sharing and truly listening to each other’s life goals, worries, and hopes, then storing it in your brain bank to use for later to show them you care! What a concept! I know I am not the same person I was when I was in my 20’s. This is a process that couples have to continually keep up on over the course of their marriage. I can imagine it works. I have had life long friendships using this map.

I am not sure if we are all born with this gift, but I think for me I have had love maps my whole life. I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY! I am all about details and when a friend tells me she loves pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows, I am gonna crochet her one and give it to her for her birthday on December 6th! Yes, I even know when her birthday is without her reminding me because I LOVE HER GUTS! Have you ever had anyone do this for you? You feel so loved when people know you. Ya know. 

Once I had a friend make me a homemade birthday card out of purple construction paper (my favorite color). She wrote, Happy Birthday Ashley (crossed out this spelling), Ashlee (crossed out this spelling), Ashliegh (crossed out this spelling), Ashlie (ahh, she got it right!) It cracked me up! I laughed soooo hard! It was because she knows how ticked I get when everyone spells my name wrong! Silly of me I know, but she knew me! She was poking fun at me but in a hilarious way! She also gave me $1 to get my favorite Diet Pepsi fountain drink. Best birthday gift eva! She knew the way to my heart because she love mapped me.

Dang skippy! I think what I learned for myself from this love map concept is that for my next spouse I need to find a guy who knows how to read a map! Wonder if he will be standing on the side of the road with his thumb out? Let me know if you maybe see him will ya? I am a’ lookin!

L06

Friendly Trails

John M. Gottman Ph.D. says that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. It’s based on having mutual respect for your partner and having enjoyment in each other’s company. Couples in intimate relationships like this know each other more. They know what their likes, dislikes, and personalities are like. They are interested in the other’s hopes and dreams. They regard each other and show a lot of expressions of that love I think we all naturally crave as humans.

This isn’t always easy. But he expresses that having a friendship with your spouse fuels romance and becomes the best protection against having negativity towards your spouse. Having a positive relationship with a spouse helps one to overlook things that we might sometimes otherwise find annoying or bothersome. Often times it can be looked at by picking and choosing battles. Some things can be overlooked if it isn’t causing major conflict. You can chalk it up to “that is just how they are, and I love them in spite of it still.”

I believe this level of friendship can only be achieved with Christ. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” declares the enduring truth that happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved if founded on the teachings of our Lord and Savior. Understanding the doctrine of Christ softens our hearts and leads to Christ-like behavior. The greatest commandment, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all they mind; and thy neighbor as thyself” helps us to have the spirit of Him which can help us be better spouses and friends. Christ emulated this by His example. We may not realize it, but all our problems are ultimately spiritual and Jesus is the great Healer. It is through Him that we can improve our relationship and truly love others.

Elder Wirthlin, from a 2007 General Conference address told a story about an elderly couple who exemplified this great commandment. They had been married for many decades. The wife had slowly lost her sight and could no longer take complete care of herself like she used to. Without being asked her husband began to paint her fingernails for her. He knew that she would enjoy this act of service and that it made her happy. He loved to see her happy, so he kept painting her nails for 5 more years before she passed away. This exemplifies the pure love of Christ. This is being a true friend to your spouse.

Thinking about this couple reminds me of my own grandparents. My grandparents married when she was 16 and he was 22. I remember going to my grandma in a time in my life when I was experiencing a lot of marital strife. I assumed she’d have a profound answer to the secret of keeping a lasting marriage. Her reply almost took me back. I assumed then their marriage had always been blissful. It looked as such. They were good friends and had a lot of mutual respect for each other. She said, “Ashlie it hasn’t always been easy.” I wanted to assume she was lying! “Don’t shatter my vision of you two! My grandparents are perfect…aren’t they?” From their example as righteous disciples of Christ, the love they had for Him helped me to see that this was the formula to truly loving your spouse. This is how we can receive our spouse as our friend. When we can see them by living our lives through obedience to Christ, we can receive this level of love. My grandparents were the greatest example of friends as I have ever seen in a married couple. They were married for 70 years. Though they have both passed on, I have no doubts they are very pleased to get to be together as friends and partners for eternity.

L05

Family Trees

Over the last few weeks in my studies, I have been learning about marriage and other family topics. One of the assignments was to create a genogram. This is a family tree of sorts but with a twist. It adds additional information like your family’s relationships and medical history. The purpose is to see how messed up of a family you came from so you know who to blame for your current chaotic life! Ha! Just kidding, well kinda. Let’s face it, there are no perfect families! If there was, I probably wouldn’t get in line with them because they’re imposters.

Ok, back to genograms…I made one from my maternal and paternal grandparents to myself, including siblings and first cousins. Three generations of patterns, some hereditary, and some repetitive behaviors, good and bad.

So how do I break this down nicely for ya'll to get a taste of what I saw in reflecting on my family’s history, especially geared toward the covenant-keeping women in my tree? Ok, I won’t because this topic has nothing to do with being nice. It’s called ABUSE and it’s NOT OK! I am not about to get into the “men are abused too” campaign. We all know there are cases and I am sorry if you are or know someone in that situation.  Abuse is wrong for all parties, but today I am focusing on abuse directed towards women, especially the abuse patterns I saw in my own family in only three generations.

Although my grandmother married an amazing man, she was abused as a young girl. That small little girl took all her shame, coping skills and fears into parenting her 4 daughters. I just want to make something very clear; I don’t blame her. I put the consequences of this on her abuser. She was doing the best she could with what she had. She never reported it, never got support or healing. When I found out about the abuse after she passed away, I loved her more for her strength to endure it. When abuse stops it’s still there. Unless you are a survivor of abuse you have no idea what it means to fight the daily battles in your head with a person you no longer have contact with. Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse have residual effects on the victim. You need healing to get through it. Despite no support, she was a strong valiant woman in the gospel. I know she had to have leaned on the Savior to attain this attribute.  She was an amazing example to me and even though she isn’t here anymore, I still look up to her to this day for her courage to endure. We had such a special bond, that out of her 36 grandkids we didn’t even have to say out loud who her favorite was (it’s true I don’t care what my cousins say, they are just jealous).

My grandma left this earth with shame for sins that someone afflicted on her. All 3 of her daughters (my aunts) picked up on fears and lack of boundaries (what’s that?) that kept them trapped into multiple failed abusive marriages over the years. My mom got lucky marrying my dad but she still carried the same fear patterns from her upbringing. I felt that family of origin fear mindset was instilled in me too, "worry about other’s feelings more than your own. Fear that if you say what you need you will be the cause of their anger because they disagree." I ended my own marriage because of abuse. I lacked boundaries and allowed it just like all the women in my family before me. The fear of so much at risk (my kids, finances, sharing my kids with a stepmom) kept me stuck broken and married to an equally broken man from his own family history of dysfunction.

Church leaders have consistently spoken out against abuse. Our own prophet Russell M. Nelson recently addressed us in the October 2019 women’s general conference explaining that Satan and his minions (abusers) will constantly drive roadblocks that will prevent us from understanding the spiritual gifts as women have and will have (hello gaslighting), he goes onto say, “Unfortunately some roadblocks may be the result of another’s misbehavior. It grieves me to think that any of you have felt marginalized or have not been believed by a priesthood leader, or have been abused or betrayed by a husband, father or supposed friend. I feel deep sorrow that any of you have felt side-lined, disrespected or misjudged. Such offenses have no place in the kingdom of God.” I love our prophet. He clearly loves us and wants us to feel safety in all our relationships. 

The Proclamation on the Family also gives condemnation of abuse; “We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.” Again, abuse Is NOT OK!

Abuse affects everyone, even the one with the whip. It changes multiple lives for generations. Abusers teach abusers. But let me add this… D&C 6:34 “Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.”

We can stop the abuse! Stand up! Speak up! You are beloved daughter of Heavenly Parents with divine nature and an eternal destiny (2019 YW theme). If you have suffered the effects of abuse in your life, find healing through our Savior Jesus Christ. He has the power to help you feel whole again because of the Atonement. We can forgive those who have harmed us in time, when we are ready. There is no race. What you allow will continue… think about that. We can break chains of abuse in our families; you only need to stand up, straighten your crown and take up your rightful place. 

L04

Two Paths Divided

This week I have been studying a controversial topic of those who are opposed to or in favor of same-sex marriage. It morphs me back to 8th grade when my teacher asked which of us were in favor of abortion. The whole class raised their hands but me and one other girl. I was confident in my position and it didn’t change my opinion on the matter, but I will admit I felt shame to not be of the popular vote.

It’s increasingly hard to be in a world foretold by Paul in the last days (see 2 Timothy 3). He warned there were perilous and hard times ahead. It’s easy to sit back, watch and do nothing when we have an opposing view of the lives of others around us. You post on social media and it’s like you just volunteered for tribute to be devoured by wolves for having an opinion contrary to popular belief. 

My sister has chosen to live a life of same-sex marriage, so this topic is kinda delicate for us. When she first came out, I mourned. I did. I will admit, and I struggled over how I can show her love without agreeing with how she chose to live. How was I going to be accepting of her and her wife if I was not accepting of the choice? Welp, ya know what I did? I prayed and asked my Father what I should do. He always has the answers… and you know what He said? Love them. Love them the same, in fact, love them more! My choice to be on God’s side for the union of marriage between a man and woman doesn’t take away from being a righteous disciple of Christ because I love people who think differently than me! The answer for us all is just love people! I don’t care if they’re purple, have one leg or 6 wives. Just treat people with the respect and kindness that you would want to be given to you and all will be well in the end.

 Of all the learning on the topic I did this week a talk, "Defenders of Marriage"  by President Nelson (the prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) given at a 2014 BYU commencement really stood out to me.  As a disciple of Christ (that’s me!), I am obligated by covenant on my own free will to stand up for all that is good and true. President Nelson said that my individual strength is needed more now than ever! Hello! (I am pretty sure I signed up for tribute in the build- strength category). Disciples of Christ are defenders of Marriage. I mean hey, I got a crappy one first time around but I still whole heartily believe in it! Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. It is the most significant partnership of all - an ability to become an eternal family (*side note: GOALS!). Male and female are created for what they can become TOGETHER. Fathers and Mothers are not interchangeable. They are distinct and complimentary for one another and for the raising of their children.  So how on earth am I or you to defend marriage in a world where people freely assume whatever is law is ok?

I listened to an amazing talk by Alexander Dushku in a speech he gave in July 2015 at a religious freedom Annual Review Conference held at BYU. He made an experience relatable for a solution to having society come to a place where we can be accepting of one another’s views on this topic. It brings us back to the abortion topic. Over time people have come to be more accepting of the different views on abortion. How did this happen? He said that it was because those who were opposed to it shared their views openly. They spoke up about their beliefs. Over time the rights of being pro-life have been preserved and more accepted. Probably more so than when I was in 8th grade. We should not stand down to our beliefs in traditional marriage for the sanctity of God’s plan for eternal families. We can persuade our beliefs with reason and kindness. Will it be easy? Probably not, we are headed for the wolves. We’ll lose friends, but in the end, if we have come to a place where culture and law can come together to respect views of those who believe in sustaining God’s commandment of marriage between husband and wife, we will have progress in making some good changes.  

L03