We all get the pleasure of forming relationships in our lives. The ones we get the most practice to continually progress and learn are the most intimate ones to us. We will have experiences with our families when we are young. We pick up whatever habits and coping skills there and carry them into recesses in grade school with classmates, through the youthful years with besties and romantic relationships, then into our eventual marriages. Are we fully equipped to deal with someone else who has had a completely different personally developed path of habits and coping skills themselves? No way! These are growing experiences for all! Aren’t we lucky?! Hey, you signed up for it because you’re here on Earth. If you don’t understand that we can talk later…
Dr. Gottman says, “Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with.” What the heck!? How do we cope with problems? I don’t want em’, who does? Guess what? You’re bound to have a handful in your life and if you haven’t had any, you will have some doozies when you get married!
This week I got some great insights on problem-solving in relationships, specifically in marriages but these jewels by golly can be used in all our intimate relationships in life! Gottman says that conflicts will be in relationships forever. They fall into two categories; either they can be resolved or perpetual. Perpetual problems are the majority of marital conflicts. They are things in your relationships that may involve deep emotional wounds and feelings that if not communicated openly with your partner for resolve may lead to gridlock. Gridlock keeps couples spinning in unresolved conflicts and may increase hurt, pain, frustration, distrust, or even a full-blown mouth shut, hands and knees crossed sitting on the floor “I am not playing anymore” disengagements.
Not all perpetual problems result in this kind of shut down. Healthy, emotionally, intelligent couples strive to use coping strategies to deal with their problems and don’t allow them to break their relationships. They work on being accepting of their partner’s so-called inadequacies and communicate effectively by solving issues that arise because of their differences. These strategies given by Dr. Gottman are in a five-part model that can help resolve conflict in couples seeking a loving relationship.
The first step is to soften your startup. No one I know will have a sit-down, heart to heart with anyone when they are feeling attacked. The most important quality of a good startup is to avoid the four deadly horsemen. What is that? Let’s hold ourselves accountable people! Ok, raise your right hand and repeat after me, “I solemnly pledge to no criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling as I go in to address this issue with my spouse, so help me God.” What!? I am serious. We need His help! This stuff is hardddd! Dr. Gottman, another relationship genius said, “We should offer our best efforts in our marriages. When we have unmet needs, we can humbly invite our partner to help us.” If we’re going to resolve an issue here, let’s be kind. He goes onto say, “…we can ask God to increase our capacity to give more to our marriage.” How encouraging is that to have more support? Love it!
The second step is to learn to make and receive repair attempts. Gottman says this is the secret to damage control. You don’t have to wait for your marriage to improve to make repair attempts. Some examples of repair attempts are, “I might be wrong here, Let’s take a break, I am sorry I was a knucklehead, I will try harder to listen to you before I bite your head off next time.” Repair attempts go both ways, receiving and giving.
The third step in the model is sooth yourself and each other. Have conversations with your spouse on what makes you or them feel flooded (overwhelmed) in conflicts. Share emotions. What would help you feel better? How you can help them feel better? Or whoever waves the white flag first is a truce to go to your corners, take a few deep breaths, get your heart rate down, and come to a place of calm to increase positivity in your relationship; not continue in the opposite.
Compromise is the fourth step. Guess what? This is the only way to solve marital problems. And the only way to come to this is if the first 3 steps have been accomplished first. Gottman said, “Compromise is not about one person changing.” Let me repeat that for emphasis, “Compromise is not about one person changing. It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other.” The cornerstone to compromise is accepting influence. This is a two-way deal. This is teamwork!
Lastly processing any grievances so that they don’t linger in order to validate and understand each other’s perception of how the issues were handled is the fifth step. Taking turns listening to each other’s views without interruption, sharing feelings and what you need, sharing possible triggers, acknowledging your role in what happened and looking ahead with constructive plans to move forward in your relationship are all key in accomplishing re-connection and lasting trust.
Who doesn’t want to find happiness with our favorite people? Using these steps of communication will resolving issues to many of the difficult situations that we face in our relationships. These are habits and manners we already show acquaintances, why wouldn’t our most treasured relationships be any less deserving of our respect and love?
LO9
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