Friendly Trails

John M. Gottman Ph.D. says that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. It’s based on having mutual respect for your partner and having enjoyment in each other’s company. Couples in intimate relationships like this know each other more. They know what their likes, dislikes, and personalities are like. They are interested in the other’s hopes and dreams. They regard each other and show a lot of expressions of that love I think we all naturally crave as humans.

This isn’t always easy. But he expresses that having a friendship with your spouse fuels romance and becomes the best protection against having negativity towards your spouse. Having a positive relationship with a spouse helps one to overlook things that we might sometimes otherwise find annoying or bothersome. Often times it can be looked at by picking and choosing battles. Some things can be overlooked if it isn’t causing major conflict. You can chalk it up to “that is just how they are, and I love them in spite of it still.”

I believe this level of friendship can only be achieved with Christ. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” declares the enduring truth that happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved if founded on the teachings of our Lord and Savior. Understanding the doctrine of Christ softens our hearts and leads to Christ-like behavior. The greatest commandment, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all they mind; and thy neighbor as thyself” helps us to have the spirit of Him which can help us be better spouses and friends. Christ emulated this by His example. We may not realize it, but all our problems are ultimately spiritual and Jesus is the great Healer. It is through Him that we can improve our relationship and truly love others.

Elder Wirthlin, from a 2007 General Conference address told a story about an elderly couple who exemplified this great commandment. They had been married for many decades. The wife had slowly lost her sight and could no longer take complete care of herself like she used to. Without being asked her husband began to paint her fingernails for her. He knew that she would enjoy this act of service and that it made her happy. He loved to see her happy, so he kept painting her nails for 5 more years before she passed away. This exemplifies the pure love of Christ. This is being a true friend to your spouse.

Thinking about this couple reminds me of my own grandparents. My grandparents married when she was 16 and he was 22. I remember going to my grandma in a time in my life when I was experiencing a lot of marital strife. I assumed she’d have a profound answer to the secret of keeping a lasting marriage. Her reply almost took me back. I assumed then their marriage had always been blissful. It looked as such. They were good friends and had a lot of mutual respect for each other. She said, “Ashlie it hasn’t always been easy.” I wanted to assume she was lying! “Don’t shatter my vision of you two! My grandparents are perfect…aren’t they?” From their example as righteous disciples of Christ, the love they had for Him helped me to see that this was the formula to truly loving your spouse. This is how we can receive our spouse as our friend. When we can see them by living our lives through obedience to Christ, we can receive this level of love. My grandparents were the greatest example of friends as I have ever seen in a married couple. They were married for 70 years. Though they have both passed on, I have no doubts they are very pleased to get to be together as friends and partners for eternity.

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