Family Trees

Over the last few weeks in my studies, I have been learning about marriage and other family topics. One of the assignments was to create a genogram. This is a family tree of sorts but with a twist. It adds additional information like your family’s relationships and medical history. The purpose is to see how messed up of a family you came from so you know who to blame for your current chaotic life! Ha! Just kidding, well kinda. Let’s face it, there are no perfect families! If there was, I probably wouldn’t get in line with them because they’re imposters.

Ok, back to genograms…I made one from my maternal and paternal grandparents to myself, including siblings and first cousins. Three generations of patterns, some hereditary, and some repetitive behaviors, good and bad.

So how do I break this down nicely for ya'll to get a taste of what I saw in reflecting on my family’s history, especially geared toward the covenant-keeping women in my tree? Ok, I won’t because this topic has nothing to do with being nice. It’s called ABUSE and it’s NOT OK! I am not about to get into the “men are abused too” campaign. We all know there are cases and I am sorry if you are or know someone in that situation.  Abuse is wrong for all parties, but today I am focusing on abuse directed towards women, especially the abuse patterns I saw in my own family in only three generations.

Although my grandmother married an amazing man, she was abused as a young girl. That small little girl took all her shame, coping skills and fears into parenting her 4 daughters. I just want to make something very clear; I don’t blame her. I put the consequences of this on her abuser. She was doing the best she could with what she had. She never reported it, never got support or healing. When I found out about the abuse after she passed away, I loved her more for her strength to endure it. When abuse stops it’s still there. Unless you are a survivor of abuse you have no idea what it means to fight the daily battles in your head with a person you no longer have contact with. Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse have residual effects on the victim. You need healing to get through it. Despite no support, she was a strong valiant woman in the gospel. I know she had to have leaned on the Savior to attain this attribute.  She was an amazing example to me and even though she isn’t here anymore, I still look up to her to this day for her courage to endure. We had such a special bond, that out of her 36 grandkids we didn’t even have to say out loud who her favorite was (it’s true I don’t care what my cousins say, they are just jealous).

My grandma left this earth with shame for sins that someone afflicted on her. All 3 of her daughters (my aunts) picked up on fears and lack of boundaries (what’s that?) that kept them trapped into multiple failed abusive marriages over the years. My mom got lucky marrying my dad but she still carried the same fear patterns from her upbringing. I felt that family of origin fear mindset was instilled in me too, "worry about other’s feelings more than your own. Fear that if you say what you need you will be the cause of their anger because they disagree." I ended my own marriage because of abuse. I lacked boundaries and allowed it just like all the women in my family before me. The fear of so much at risk (my kids, finances, sharing my kids with a stepmom) kept me stuck broken and married to an equally broken man from his own family history of dysfunction.

Church leaders have consistently spoken out against abuse. Our own prophet Russell M. Nelson recently addressed us in the October 2019 women’s general conference explaining that Satan and his minions (abusers) will constantly drive roadblocks that will prevent us from understanding the spiritual gifts as women have and will have (hello gaslighting), he goes onto say, “Unfortunately some roadblocks may be the result of another’s misbehavior. It grieves me to think that any of you have felt marginalized or have not been believed by a priesthood leader, or have been abused or betrayed by a husband, father or supposed friend. I feel deep sorrow that any of you have felt side-lined, disrespected or misjudged. Such offenses have no place in the kingdom of God.” I love our prophet. He clearly loves us and wants us to feel safety in all our relationships. 

The Proclamation on the Family also gives condemnation of abuse; “We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.” Again, abuse Is NOT OK!

Abuse affects everyone, even the one with the whip. It changes multiple lives for generations. Abusers teach abusers. But let me add this… D&C 6:34 “Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.”

We can stop the abuse! Stand up! Speak up! You are beloved daughter of Heavenly Parents with divine nature and an eternal destiny (2019 YW theme). If you have suffered the effects of abuse in your life, find healing through our Savior Jesus Christ. He has the power to help you feel whole again because of the Atonement. We can forgive those who have harmed us in time, when we are ready. There is no race. What you allow will continue… think about that. We can break chains of abuse in our families; you only need to stand up, straighten your crown and take up your rightful place. 

L04