Keeping in step

In life, we go through different stages. We make goals or have ideas of the kind of teenager we want to be (even if it changes every five mins), what kind of wife we will be someday and the one I dreamt of since a little girl, a mother. Now that I am in a phase in life where half my kids have flown the nest, I am coming to this next stage. Before long my kids could be married. Gasp, I feel like I just had them! People weren’t kidding when they told you to enjoy em’, because they grow fast!

I loved studying the concepts of creating healthy ties with in-laws and their married children this week. Based on my personal experiences with the parentals and past in-laws, I came to the conclusion that there was a lot done wrong on their parts, and individually in mine and my ex-husband’s parts. Twenty something-year-old kids are well, 20 ([insert nice voice] if you’re still in your 20’s come talk to me in 20 years, I’ll laugh with you). I might be making an assumption based on all I have seen in the last 20 years but some do not get the concept of what it means to go from practically teen to marriage; minus mom and dad practically overnight. Let’s face it, in a majority of the church culture I live in we marry young. We were a kid wasting mom and dad’s gas cruisin’ on Friday night, to practically getting married the next day. What adds to the difficulty of this is the differences of traditions and beliefs each new couple’s own family of origin brings to their marriage. How on earth are 20-year olds supposed to know they need coupliness on their own without Mom and Dad advice and handholds when that is all they knew? I am sure there were some whose parents kicked them out of the nest earlier on for self-reliance purposes. I feel like in my experience I wasn’t really prepared to fly, nor was my spouse.

I think the solution to avoiding unhealthy parent/married adult-child relationships can be solved by being a healthy in-law/parent. They can set the stage in helping their young adult children transition from their young adulthood into marriage partnerships. In the book Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by The Family: A Proclamation to the World by James Harper and Susan Olsen suggest that one of the greatest gifts parents/in-laws can give their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundaries that these children have with their own spouses. Newly married couples should be separate from the families in which they grew up to make their own connections and family traditions. When parents meddle, it makes it very difficult for their children. Here some ideas I found so I can attain the favorite Mama/Mother-in-law title someday:

1. Don’t be the main confidant to your children in regards to their lives. Turn them around and send them home. It is important that they develop their solutions, make decisions, and share big news with their spouse, not you!
2. Don’t get too enmeshed. Step back and do not impose your opinions and feelings or try to coerce their family’s decisions.
3. Don’t pressure your kids to join you for every holiday, and other special occasions. They need to make the joint decision as a couple where they will start their own patterns of celebration, at times that will likely involve you.
4. If they don’t include you, choose not to be offended and be happy they are drawing near to each other. Don’t worry they still care about you. If you are feeling otherwise maybe reassess if you have been breaking the ones already stated above. If that’s the case, please review 1-3.
   

Parents need to encourage their married children to turn towards each other if they see unhealthy patterns forming. Following the above ideas is a good start to do this. Too much interference from in-laws lowers marital satisfaction in couples. So, if or when married children start forming their own traditions parents will do best to accept the boundaries that their married children give. The more parents respect this the more their children will want them in parts of their lives. Families can create amazing bonds and come together with healthy boundaries which can help everyone involved. 

LO13

Walk beside me

Marriages that are healthy reflect a husband and wife who show an equal partnership. One partner doesn’t show control and power over the other.

President Gordon B. Hinkley said, “In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey” (Ensign, May 2002).

I really love the imagery of this both physically and mentally. Couples who keep their steps in different strides to their individuality, yet still make conscious efforts to not walk ahead of the other with ill intent. Walking together, two people who respect each other; I imagine hand in hand with their fingers enlaced. How beautiful would that be? Certainly, this is a true partnership! Maybe some of us have this? Maybe some of us mourn this? Maybe, like myself, only dream of this kind of relationship. No worries though...I know the Lord has my life mapped.

This week I read a really beautiful interview given to President Gordon B. Hinkley and his wife Marjorie Hinkley from the Ensign magazine (Ensign, Oct. 2013). Now, this is a couple to look to! One thing I always remember about President Hinkley is how much you knew he loved his wife. The reason you knew this because he told us all the time! He really honored and loved her; his helpmeet (meet means equal). In the interview, Sister Hinkley shared spiritual experiences of how she was treated being the wife of the prophet. She said he never insisted she do anything “his” way or any way for that matter. She was recognized for her individuality and because of this made choices for herself. She was given space to make decisions and this she said, made her feel like a real person. He encouraged her to do what made her happy and never ruled or dominated her.

President Hinkley added he did this because he valued his wife, her personality and desires, her ambition and her background. So much respect and love here! WOW! He loved to see her develop her own talents and would marvel at watching her do so. He went on to express how strongly he felt about the importance that husbands should NOT run their wives’ lives and tell her what she should do because it will never work. That last part made me literally laugh out loud. Probably because of my mindset in having met so many righteous, and strong women in the church who are learning to stand up to such abuse. It will never work because eventually, that girl will learn. She will continue to walk with God and eventually… she may go. Or her very actions of standing up will turn her spouse to God, finally. No one, I repeat no one deserves to be mistreated and no doubt our Heavenly Father feels the same way about all His sons and daughters. 

The Savior of the world, Jesus Christ, said of those who would be a part of His Church, “Be one; and if ye are not, ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27) There it is. That says a lot about how we should treat our marriages. Unity comes to the couples who chose to respect and love one another, not tear, nor walk ahead of one another.  

LO12

Unstable Grounds

President Kimball has warned us that “infidelity is one of the great sins of our generation. The world seems to glamorize faithlessness husbands and wives. To the world, nothing is unholy, not even marital vows.” This is so very sad and demoralizing to Heavenly Father’s plan for His children. People often choose not to obey the seventh commandment “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” Adultery is Satan’s influence; something that does not and can not satisfy.

As a married person, what precautions can we take to protect our marriage from infidelity? We need to be alert to temptations Satan uses to break up our marriages. This reminds me of the scripture Isaiah 5:20, “Woe unto them that call evil good and good evil.” Often times we think it takes two people for infidelity to occur.  But affairs are often committed within the mind or heart of a married individual with the involvement of another person. There are different kinds of affairs other than physical.  It’s so sad when Satan has all parties involved thinking that if nothing physical has occurred then it doesn’t constitute an affair. This is a lie from the best in his field.

Here’s what this type of affair may look like: one spouse may be convinced that their actions don’t hurt anyone. ‘What’s the big deal that I am watching pornography or spending time with a “she’s just a friend” friend?’ This person finds themselves intent on believing these lies and keeps their dirty secrets from their spouse out of their own deceit, guilt, and denial that their actions aren’t hurting anyone. The partner who is being afflicted lives in their partner’s denial and perceived truths, sometimes unknowingly or knowingly. Whoever wants to believe that Satan has a chokehold on their marriage? These secrets only dig deeper and deeper for the one living in sin and the one afflicted by it.

 Fantasy and visual affairs are sneaky secret affairs. Unlike the outward visual actions of drug addicts or alcoholics, sex addiction can be hidden so that their effects are not too readily seen by spouses at first.  Spouses of sex addicts often have angry partners who project all their marital problems on them. Their insecurities come out in control, emotional and sometimes even physical abuse. Partners of addicts walk on eggshells and are always made to believe they are the problem. They can’t quite pinpoint what is going on.

As behaviors progress in a lust addict, they eventually graduate to physical affairs if they do not get help for their already out of control lives.  Regardless of the type of affair committed, the spiritual consequences are similar. Infidelity produces trauma on the spouses of unfaithful partners. It turns their world upside down. These spouses often feel nauseated, repulsed, depressed, undesirable, insecure, helpless, abandoned, anxious, and even suicidal. It is one of the worst afflictions one can ever receive in marriage. Satan is having a hay day. It feels as close to death as one can be without actually physically dying.

Infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce. So how do we affair-proof our marriages? Dr. Goddard gave a fair list of ideas in his book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage.

1. DO NOT lust after people you are not married to. This includes pornography. Pornography objectifies people, and in most cases women.  In viewing porn, these people are depersonalized, sexualized, and exploited. When we objectify people, we falsely believe that they are there only to please and gratify us. We stop seeing their humanness and start treating our spouses the same.
2. DO NOT make excuses to spend alone time with people of the opposite sex you didn’t say I do to on your wedding day.
3. DO NOT allow your heart to dwell on anyone or flirt with anyone who isn’t wearing the wedding ring you gave them.
4. If you find yourself making up excuses to spend time with someone other than the one who took your last name STOP IT! Seek support ESPECIALLY if you think you don’t need to.
5. DO spend more time with your spouse. Share thoughts, feelings, and values. Go on dates more than once a year for goodness sakes!
6. DO take time to renew your spiritual efforts in service, scriptures, and Love of your family.
7. DO take time to enjoy the companionship of the one you are committed marriage to.

These are all very reasonable ways to keep relationships within the spiritual bonds of marriage. Through hard work, couples can create and keep these strong bonds, build trust, repent and forgive, overcoming addictions, and make the courageous choice to stay together.

A Journey with God

Over the course of the last ten weeks or so I have had the opportunity to read a couple really great books on marital and self-improvement. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D and Drawing Heaven into your marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. I will be the first to admit that the first initial week going into this journey I carried my fists raised in defense of my choice to leave my marriage. These books are going to talk all about how to save your marriage no matter what! Being a member of a faith where in reality most members seem uncomfortable with the term divorce, I decided that I was going to change my perspective of what others might think on the topic and instead take the resources given to help me sort through my past experiences. A healing journey in a sense. I will find out what marriage should be, where I went wrong, and how I can change. I was going to choose to apply golden nuggets along the way instead of finding any reason to defend my choices to leave. This did not, however, take away the fact that a lot of what I read wasn’t difficult or hard to take in. It threw me back into my past a lot and at times I questioned myself of what I could have done differently in my marriage to make it last. These books are based on couples striving to improve their marriage (or at least hopefully in the same goal) come together at some point. I saw plenty of individual growth tips in these books. Individuals may be more of a poop than the other at times in marriages and it will take some personal growth to change our outlook and perspectives with the ones we are in relationships with. This always goes both ways no matter who has the finger pointed at them for a failed marriage.  

One thing that was reiterated through these books for me was that I am loved by God, soooo loved and I can’t deny it. For someone who chose to leave her marriage; so many times over the Spirit whispered my truths amongst those pages of improving your marriage. Naturally while reading, at times buckets of shame and regret of, ‘…did I try hard enough?’ showered down on me. “I should have stayed longer…I am a horrible person to leave my husband in all our struggles that kept us so trapped in pain.  I left him on the other side of this bridge I crossed but,… he wouldn’t come.”  So heavy and hard.  The Spirit corrected some of those thoughts almost instantly. This is what I mean by knowing the Lord loves me. He knew I was going to be taking a class on marriage, and that I would naturally struggle with the idea. He loved me enough to send the Spirit to comfort me while reading and learning in these two books. Sometimes our decisions in life especially in our marriages are so sacred and only between us and God. I will never ever deny that He blessed me and continues to do so in my own experiences from my marriage and divorce. I learned so much in these books. What exactly a healthy couple's marriage should look like!

 Mostly I learned that recognizing in yourself and as a couple, things that need to be changed to improve or keep your marriage on course. How to nurture fondness and admiration, to turn towards each other, how to problem solve,  and overcome gridlock are just a handful of these things. These were amazing concepts that I plan on reviewing over and over. But my favorite of the two books was Goddard’s. As I read, I highlighted all the things that stood out to me and filled MY spirit. 

Some of these things I had already learned and had been a part of my journey in healing and have brought me to where I am today,

 “In order to be saved, we must stop trying to save ourselves by our own power. We must turn ourselves over to God completely.”

“Faith unto repentance means that we trust Jesus enough to turn our lives over to Him. We must give up governance of our lives and turn that over to God.”

“The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others…the natural man is an enemy to truth….it keeps each of us from connecting with others and from being taught by God.”

“We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more.”

The bottom line is we can not save ourselves. Marriage is difficult and yet I believe it can be a very beautiful experience. God designed marriage to help us grow spiritually. It is ordained to refine and stretch us. Experiences we have in marriage help us learn to develop relationships with ourselves, others and most importantly with the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the one who saves us. This is what my marriage experiences did for me! Goddard’s book was that without the Lord as the first and most important partner in you AND your partner’s life (or at least by adhering to His principles) your marriage will not prosper. There is no other way to have a beautiful marriage when you’re void of Him. No man and no woman will ever, EVER have a healthy relationship without His prospering principles of charity, love, kindness, forgiveness, patience, repentance, respect, trust, selflessness, obedience, humility, faith, sacrifice, compassion…and on and on.

LO10

Five steps forward

We all get the pleasure of forming relationships in our lives. The ones we get the most practice to continually progress and learn are the most intimate ones to us. We will have experiences with our families when we are young. We pick up whatever habits and coping skills there and carry them into recesses in grade school with classmates, through the youthful years with besties and romantic relationships, then into our eventual marriages. Are we fully equipped to deal with someone else who has had a completely different personally developed path of habits and coping skills themselves? No way! These are growing experiences for all! Aren’t we lucky?! Hey, you signed up for it because you’re here on Earth. If you don’t understand that we can talk later…

                Dr. Gottman says, “Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with.” What the heck!? How do we cope with problems? I don’t want em’, who does? Guess what? You’re bound to have a handful in your life and if you haven’t had any, you will have some doozies when you get married!

                This week I got some great insights on problem-solving in relationships, specifically in marriages but these jewels by golly can be used in all our intimate relationships in life! Gottman says that conflicts will be in relationships forever. They fall into two categories; either they can be resolved or perpetual. Perpetual problems are the majority of marital conflicts. They are things in your relationships that may involve deep emotional wounds and feelings that if not communicated openly with your partner for resolve may lead to gridlock. Gridlock keeps couples spinning in unresolved conflicts and may increase hurt, pain, frustration, distrust, or even a full-blown mouth shut, hands and knees crossed sitting on the floor “I am not playing anymore” disengagements.

                Not all perpetual problems result in this kind of shut down. Healthy, emotionally, intelligent couples strive to use coping strategies to deal with their problems and don’t allow them to break their relationships. They work on being accepting of their partner’s so-called inadequacies and communicate effectively by solving issues that arise because of their differences. These strategies given by Dr. Gottman are in a five-part model that can help resolve conflict in couples seeking a loving relationship.

                The first step is to soften your startup. No one I know will have a sit-down, heart to heart with anyone when they are feeling attacked. The most important quality of a good startup is to avoid the four deadly horsemen. What is that? Let’s hold ourselves accountable people! Ok, raise your right hand and repeat after me, “I solemnly pledge to no criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling as I go in to address this issue with my spouse, so help me God.” What!? I am serious. We need His help! This stuff is hardddd! Dr. Gottman, another relationship genius said, “We should offer our best efforts in our marriages. When we have unmet needs, we can humbly invite our partner to help us.” If we’re going to resolve an issue here, let’s be kind. He goes onto say, “…we can ask God to increase our capacity to give more to our marriage.” How encouraging is that to have more support? Love it!

                The second step is to learn to make and receive repair attempts. Gottman says this is the secret to damage control. You don’t have to wait for your marriage to improve to make repair attempts. Some examples of repair attempts are, “I might be wrong here, Let’s take a break, I am sorry I was a knucklehead, I will try harder to listen to you before I bite your head off next time.” Repair attempts go both ways, receiving and giving.

                The third step in the model is sooth yourself and each other. Have conversations with your spouse on what makes you or them feel flooded (overwhelmed) in conflicts. Share emotions. What would help you feel better? How you can help them feel better? Or whoever waves the white flag first is a truce to go to your corners, take a few deep breaths, get your heart rate down, and come to a place of calm to increase positivity in your relationship; not continue in the opposite.

                Compromise is the fourth step. Guess what? This is the only way to solve marital problems. And the only way to come to this is if the first 3 steps have been accomplished first. Gottman said, “Compromise is not about one person changing.” Let me repeat that for emphasis, “Compromise is not about one person changing.  It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other.” The cornerstone to compromise is accepting influence. This is a two-way deal. This is teamwork!

                Lastly processing any grievances so that they don’t linger in order to validate and understand each other’s perception of how the issues were handled is the fifth step. Taking turns listening to each other’s views without interruption, sharing feelings and what you need, sharing possible triggers, acknowledging your role in what happened and looking ahead with constructive plans to move forward in your relationship are all key in accomplishing re-connection and lasting trust.

                Who doesn’t want to find happiness with our favorite people? Using these steps of communication will resolving issues to many of the difficult situations that we face in our relationships. These are habits and manners we already show acquaintances, why wouldn’t our most treasured relationships be any less deserving of our respect and love?

LO9

Beware Ahead

President Ezra Taft Benson says that pride is a universal sin. This is one of those thistles and thorn perks Adam and Eve were told we would gain in mortality.  Oh boy… if you’re married or have been you know first hand about this pride thing. Mostly we see it in the ones we love or used to in my case. I have an ex. Yes, I am one of those…

                I read this whole chapter in Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work on a principle about “Letting your partner influence you”. He talks about how great relationships would be if men would just allow their wives to influence them, allow equality in their marriages, honor and respect their wives and acknowledge her feelings. (Who was jumping on her bed fists raised to the air praising Jesus?) Gottman said women already are open to all these things with their husbands and there is no doubt that women have plenty to teach their husbands about friendships (I seriously love this guy). Although he was targeting men he made it very clear both husbands and wives need to be accountable for their dealings.

                I then opened a chapter in another book by H. Wallace Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage called “Humility and Repentance”. In this chapter the reader is taught about principles of humility and repentance and that the opposite of it is an enemy to God (PRIDE). That the natural mind is an enemy to truth. Someone can walk around only “seeing” their version of the truth and imagines no one else can see it as clearly as they do. This mindset is an enemy to God, keeps us from connecting with others and from being taught by God. Sneaky Satan.

                After pulling all this info into my brain I get to the end of the chapter to the postscript, “If, as you read this chapter, you found yourself thinking how much your (ex) partner needs it, I encourage you to re-read the chapter with yourself in mind instead.” DANG IT!!!! There you go people, you just experienced pride in Ashlie first hand. Guess who got to hang her head and go back and re-read these chapters? Sneaky Satan.

                Here is what I now “saw” in me…President Benson said, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves…Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all the matters- self- conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, self- seeking.”

                What’s the antidote for my pride? Here’s what else I found (Using the scripture skill of substitution) “And now Ashlie, I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; temperate in all things; diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times.” Thank you for the reminder, Alma. (I love this guy).

                Oh my goodness. Marriage is hard. Being divorced and the dealings of an ex-spouse are hard. Being an ex-spouse is hard! My fingers pointed at those who have offended and irritate me is an invitation for MY repentance! My irritation is my own lack of faith and humility in seeing how far God has carried me through and will continue to carry me. Dropping all the hate and hurt is the only way I can heal and drop all Pride that suffocates me. This is it! I get it! Pride is something I need to be aware of at all times. 

                Alma continues to teach me, “Ashlie, see that you have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works” (Alma 7:24) That is the girl I want to be.

                Do we even realize how much the Lord loves us? How much He wants to see us happy? To pull away from Pride?  We have the power to set our own lives right in our marriages and in all our relationships. How beautiful is that we have a Savior that will allow us to hand over our sword. He will take our balled fists in His soft scared hands and hold us in His tender embrace. I want this. I WILL do this!

LO8

Walking Uprightly

 “Our choices in partners are not just random events in our lives.”

“In ways not discerned by us, God guided us to be together.”

“We trust that God brought us together for good reason.”

These are some of the quotes from my studies this week on marriage specifically in regards to our spouses as found in Drawing Heaven into your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D.

Huhh…I won’t lie, I have wondered through my past difficult marriage if views like Goddard expressed could even be true. Goddard also quoted some opposing opinions:

“This marriage is a punishment for my youthful impulsiveness”

“My life would have been so much better if I had just chosen differently”

Are these messages from the adversary? Certainly. He wants us to feel discouraged, shamed and to despise the idea of marriage which is a blessing from God. Family unity is essential to God’s plan of Happiness. He doesn’t want families to succeed and will use whatever he can do dissolve it.

Marriage, is it worth saving? Even when it gets hard? “The solution to marital stress is not divorce, it’s repentance”, says Goddard. “It is in simple integrity that leads a man/woman to square up their shoulders and meet his or her obligations. It is found in the golden rule.” I couldn’t agree more. We’re human, we all struggle with that sometimes. I am sure we could all improve. Marriage certainly offers the practice.

Goddard mentions a man he once counseled who appeared to have been working on his own marriage. This man came to him pleading, “Can I quit this marriage yet?” (if you’re asking a question like that you have certainly tried so very hard to save your marriage). This man’s wife had turned her back on him and on the church. There didn’t appear to be any way he could save their marriage. Goddard’s answer to this man was, that when we understand covenants, we do everything we are able. We don’t pull the plug. This man returned to his relationship. His wife continued her path and eventually, their marriage ended. He didn’t pull the plug, did he? He did all he could do, and because of that he had given his best and hadn’t abandoned the covenants he made with God. I think this man could take comfort for his present and future situation in the scripture Doctrine and Covenants 90:24. It says, “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.” 

So, think about this…what if God gives us our experiences in marriage and makes them ideally suited to bless and balance us individually for how He wants us to grow? Do you think God wanted that man Dr. Goddard counseled to have his marriage last? Certainly, He did.  He gives all His children agency; the option to freely choose. Sometimes loved ones don’t follow golden rules. But you know what God gave us? Opportunities in marriage to better ourselves. We learn patience, how to manage anger and fears, to show and give love, to forgive, and sacrifice every day in marriages. These are all qualities we need to understand and feel in order to become like God. We get to choose how we do this and how much we want to learn. He will not force anyone to get it. We are accountable for our own learning and in God's timing, He can give us something more, even a stronger relationship with our spouse and certainly one with ourselves. 

The perspective of my own experience in marriage has influenced my perception of who God wants or wanted me to become. I am still being balanced. God knows better than me what I need. I have faith in his plan for me. I feel so thankful that even through my own experiences, I didn’t allow them to break me. It’s a conscious choice every day to feel that way. But you can't go it alone... it’s having faith in Jesus Christ and applying his Atonement that saves us.

L07