Over the course of the last ten weeks or so I have had the opportunity to read a couple really great books on marital and self-improvement. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D and Drawing Heaven into your marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. I will be the first to admit that the first initial week going into this journey I carried my fists raised in defense of my choice to leave my marriage. These books are going to talk all about how to save your marriage no matter what! Being a member of a faith where in reality most members seem uncomfortable with the term divorce, I decided that I was going to change my perspective of what others might think on the topic and instead take the resources given to help me sort through my past experiences. A healing journey in a sense. I will find out what marriage should be, where I went wrong, and how I can change. I was going to choose to apply golden nuggets along the way instead of finding any reason to defend my choices to leave. This did not, however, take away the fact that a lot of what I read wasn’t difficult or hard to take in. It threw me back into my past a lot and at times I questioned myself of what I could have done differently in my marriage to make it last. These books are based on couples striving to improve their marriage (or at least hopefully in the same goal) come together at some point. I saw plenty of individual growth tips in these books. Individuals may be more of a poop than the other at times in marriages and it will take some personal growth to change our outlook and perspectives with the ones we are in relationships with. This always goes both ways no matter who has the finger pointed at them for a failed marriage.
One thing that was reiterated through these books for me was that I am loved by God, soooo loved and I can’t deny it. For someone who chose to leave her marriage; so many times over the Spirit whispered my truths amongst those pages of improving your marriage. Naturally while reading, at times buckets of shame and regret of, ‘…did I try hard enough?’ showered down on me. “I should have stayed longer…I am a horrible person to leave my husband in all our struggles that kept us so trapped in pain. I left him on the other side of this bridge I crossed but,… he wouldn’t come.” So heavy and hard. The Spirit corrected some of those thoughts almost instantly. This is what I mean by knowing the Lord loves me. He knew I was going to be taking a class on marriage, and that I would naturally struggle with the idea. He loved me enough to send the Spirit to comfort me while reading and learning in these two books. Sometimes our decisions in life especially in our marriages are so sacred and only between us and God. I will never ever deny that He blessed me and continues to do so in my own experiences from my marriage and divorce. I learned so much in these books. What exactly a healthy couple's marriage should look like!
Mostly I learned that recognizing in yourself and as a couple, things that need to be changed to improve or keep your marriage on course. How to nurture fondness and admiration, to turn towards each other, how to problem solve, and overcome gridlock are just a handful of these things. These were amazing concepts that I plan on reviewing over and over. But my favorite of the two books was Goddard’s. As I read, I highlighted all the things that stood out to me and filled MY spirit.
Some of these things I had already learned and had been a part of my journey in healing and have brought me to where I am today,
“In order to be saved, we must stop trying to save ourselves by our own power. We must turn ourselves over to God completely.”
“Faith unto repentance means that we trust Jesus enough to turn our lives over to Him. We must give up governance of our lives and turn that over to God.”
“The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others…the natural man is an enemy to truth….it keeps each of us from connecting with others and from being taught by God.”
“We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more.”
The bottom line is we can not save ourselves. Marriage is difficult and yet I believe it can be a very beautiful experience. God designed marriage to help us grow spiritually. It is ordained to refine and stretch us. Experiences we have in marriage help us learn to develop relationships with ourselves, others and most importantly with the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the one who saves us. This is what my marriage experiences did for me! Goddard’s book was that without the Lord as the first and most important partner in you AND your partner’s life (or at least by adhering to His principles) your marriage will not prosper. There is no other way to have a beautiful marriage when you’re void of Him. No man and no woman will ever, EVER have a healthy relationship without His prospering principles of charity, love, kindness, forgiveness, patience, repentance, respect, trust, selflessness, obedience, humility, faith, sacrifice, compassion…and on and on.
LO10
LO10
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